Every television show or movie I watch now is delivered to me through a streaming service. While the immediacy and variety of options are incredibly convenient, the dreadful streaming "lag" is not.
It starts slowly at first, just a minor discrepancy between audio and video which is almost imperceptible. After a while, the delay is so significant you start to wonder if you are watching a dubbed episode of a martial arts picture.
While it is a superficial issue and only mildly inconvenient, I will continue to watch it this way for an embarrassing amount of time.
Eventually, I gain the good sense to rewind and reset before I can continue, so that the stream has a chance to catch up.
As someone who was once lovingly referred to as the "Human TV Guide," I figured that this was the most appropriate analogy for my recent set-back.
Starting about 7 months ago I was on a roll. I was challenging myself in new ways, re-connecting to my passions, removing imaginary limits, and staying present in the here-and-now. And then one day, I just wasn't anymore. I had not realized that things were slowing down, starting to lag and look a little fuzzy.
Looking back now, I realize that I had started to feel that my experience/progress mirrored that of my streaming service. Not quite keeping up and experiencing a lack of clarity and focus.
I had experienced some minor physical injuries (I'm fine, I'm mostly just a baby with pain), which had limited my ability to use exercise as an outlet. We suffered the sudden and devastating loss of our beloved pup, which threw me more than I expected. And I am just going to say it, watching the overnight transformation of my son into an almost teen was too much for me to handle.
I was back to overthinking, leaning into my negative feelings, and worrying too much about things out of my control.
Social media had crawled back into my daily routine, along with the comparison fatigue that inevitably ensues.
It was as if I had forgotten everything I learned about myself, and who I want to be. Lost with it was also the awareness of what I needed to do to maintain a healthy mindset.
I had forgotten my "why."
This all started with the desire to make a change and to become more aligned with my own values and goals. I had learned that in order to get there, I had to take it one day (let's be honest, sometimes it's taking it one hour) at a time.
But I had stopped. And then what was I to do next? Could I "own" that it hasn't been easy, or smooth sailing? Will other's still look to me for support and guidance even if I too have sometimes lost my way?
If I claimed perfection everyone would either know I was a fraud, or even worse, would think that perfection actually exists and that it is what everyone should strive for. Think of the picture-perfect lives we see on social media that ignites jealousy in even the strongest-minded people.
That isn't me, and it is not who I am working to become.
I am going to do my best to be kind to myself, not dwell on mishaps, take breaks when I need to, and take it one step at a time.
And stay tuned!